Finding (home)

Part 9 of a 9 part poem.

This is the final part of a poem I began writing while starting medication for the first time, treating depression and anxiety. The first try was not the right fit for me and drove me deeper into the dark. It's not until later on that things began looking up.

The compellation of these nine poems I've titled, Becoming (Me).

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All this time, others hurt me.

I refused to blame them.

I blamed myself.

I’ve made my peace with them.

Those that hurt me.

Now I have to find peace within me.

I need to help the hurt child inside.

Lost. Confused.

Uncertain.

A whole future lies before me.

So many paths to follow.

Limitless.

And yet I sit at the fork.

Unable to move forward.

Lost. Confused.

Uncertain.

Scared.

Feeling weak.

Useless.

Fighting every day.

Every hour. Every minute.

Telling myself that’s not true.

I am strong.

I have worth.

I have a future.

I want to live.

I can do anything I set my mind and heart on.

I just don’t know where my mind or heart is.

But I got up this morning.

That’s a small victory.

I must lower my expectations.

Not because I’m giving up

But because I’m finding value in the small things.

Getting out of bed.

Going for a walk.

Eating breakfast.

Smiling.

Small victories worth celebrating.

I don’t have to win awards

Or certificates

Or hear praise to feel worthwhile.

I am fighting my Depression.

I am fighting my Anxiety.

Any victory - however small - is a victory.

I know that now.

And now I can have more joy in life.

Joy that was always there, just unnoticed.

Seemingly insignificant.

But no longer.

I have a family who cares for me.

I have a partner who loves me.

Friends who support me.

They are my home.

I was always there.

This whole time.

But I hid under a blanket.

Ignoring the gentle hands,

The soft voices trying to comfort me.

I felt alone because I isolated myself.

I was never alone.

I know that now.

I’ve finally left my covers

Finding an entire home -

An entire family there waiting for me

Ready to help me.

To show me that I am loved.

That I have a life worth living.